Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
