Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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