There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
