Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
