Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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