I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
