the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
