I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
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