A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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