Too much gin, very little bucket
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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