I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
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He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
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What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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