Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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