she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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