During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
birth control should be required to get into college
Did I show you my penis last night?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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