I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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