redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
