Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
