Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
