just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
