nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
