So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
