he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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