I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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