this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
