I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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