Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
