A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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