I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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