i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I feel great
I just peed on a car
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
