cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
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