Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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