when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters