I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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