you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Oh god it's open bar.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize