What a fucking waste of an outfit
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
