you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize