Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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