I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
