Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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