I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
