My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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