1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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