you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
When are your genitals available?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
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