I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
