Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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