i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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