Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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