I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
