I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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