Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Randomize
