it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
