Christians are straight up FREAKS
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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