Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You are a genius and a whore.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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