Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
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I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
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So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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